i’m sorry it’s so dark in here

i ask my best friend if she ever gets tired of waking up each morning, living each day and then going back to sleep.

“you mean you’re tired of being alive?” she chuckles.

what i don’t say,

is that being alive

feels just like dying.

~

i know my brain is lying.

that the voices hissing insults are wrong.

it’s just an impulse

a fleeting thought

but i do think now and again

about how easy it would be.

it’s just an impulse

and as i try to think about how i could do it,

i’m brought back

to thinking that i’m not supposed to be thinking that way.

but there’s an awful lot i’m not supposed to do.

but i do know i would want to do it in a way that would

mean something.

that would say something.

after all this time

that no one was listening.

~

“i’m sorry it’s so dark in here” chronicles living with clinical depression, anxiety, and post traumatic stress disorder. The series aims to air out the wounds that mental illness creates for those suffering and their support systems. The multimedia work intends to spark dialogue about the unspoken complexities of living with mental illness, and to challenge perceptions relating to high-functioning individuals and invisible illnesses.

The title “i’m sorry it’s so dark in here” is after Sabrina Benaim’s poem hurdles/dreams.

McDougall, Maddie. i’m sorry it’s so dark in here, (series). 2020.

McDougall, Maddie. i’m sorry it’s so dark in here: Function. 2020. multimedia sculpture.

McDougall, Maddie. i’m sorry it’s so dark in here: Please 2020. acrylic on canvas.

McDougall, Maddie. i’m sorry it’s so dark in here: But Audre Said…. 2020. acrylic and chalk on paper.

In Another Universe, Vanessa is Alive.

I think about Vanessa Guillen often. Her murder was a triggering news cycle for me. Violent retaliation is reality, even outside of the military. I think about what could have been possible if I had reported my own sexual assault. If I could have been murdered.

AVAILABLE FOR EXHIBITION, INQUIRE HERE. THIS PIECE IS NOT FOR SALE.

McDougall, Maddie. 2020. in another universe, Vanessa is alive. acrylic on canvas, charcoal and thread.